Habits.

Walking in the rain, the pain in my chest is rather tight. Much like a balloon when you pull it taught, it convulses and twists and contorts, the silicon unable to resist the force. Like putty in the hands of a monstrous child. My heart feels like that sometimes. It hurts, and why I don’t know. I feel guilt rather immensely, and it weighs heavy. My chest stretched beneath the guilt of the invisible elephant.

When the pain hits, I fall into obsessive habits trying to out run it. This manifests in different forms dependent on the day. Today in the rain, I walked in my pink crocs. The heavy droplets bounced off my umbrella. I liked that, I like the rain. Other times the stress warps into running, lists and to do lists, eating habits, food dependency, energy expenditure. (I am lucky it doesn’t fall to alcohol or pills). In the height of delusion dad pointed out I was lucky I didn’t crumble that way, it’s ever so easy with an addictive personality. It would be too easy, too tempting. When I was controlled more by my thoughts rather than me, I could sense the panic was there more, and my actions were a permanent response to outrun it. Today, the ugly sensation only rears its head when it suits itself. No rhyme or reason to the pattern. Although recently I detect the stress there which normally falls to exam season, and I recognise a behaviour pattern. Diet fizzy drinks, chocolate, extended time on phone, chocolate. These feelings will fall to the way side once again as the week draws to the end. And normal will resume for now. Never stress.